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[05Nov11 // 0150am ] There's nothing to say if it hasn't been said already. love gg allin

Explicit, not illicit [27Oct11 // 1230am ] It's not as hard, but it's just as sad. "In time." I've been given to this inclination to observe as objectively as possible how things begin to fade. Not yet fully able to think about it fondly, remember anything good, because that pains me. Not willing to think of those less savory moments because I know that would be a distortion. Not capable of not thinking about it at all and so it's sort of a blankness, a sadness. One notable development is that for the last few days I've been missing the physicality, sort of those body memories that render one sexually incapacitated, or emotionally-sexually incapacitated, rather. This is in an odd conjunction with not feeling as rent through-and-through. I care less, but I feel more of that other absence. Well, in comparison to similar situations, I must say that empirically speaking, this is a good and natural phase. It's a weening off of, a falling out of, a stepping away from. A forgetting. We often times begin with the immediate, the bodily, the fleshy, pretty, lusty. And it develops. And it descends somewhere deeper. And then we come out of it, but always again we must emerge like slimy little creatures through that same lusty, pretty, fleshy, and bodily hole from whence we came. But it's always more remote the second time. And it's not as fun. But, it's not as hard, But it's a little more sad. Whatevs, mang. love gg allin

[20Oct11 // 0501pm ] [ mood | nauseated ] Fuck. Just.....fuck. love gg allin

A rare mood [19Oct11 // 0925pm ] [ mood | calm ] I'm not sad, truly. I have a personal journal which is aptly named "love nips" where various sweet and sordid details are recorded about the only things that I ever feel inspired about, namely, "love, or sex, or just shut up." And where nothing else, like my temperature, my classroom, my thoughts on politics, is ever noted. This is sort of like that, but less sweet, less sordid, less...straight forward. More honest, since it's public. I don't know if it's common, but I feel that I am most honest when I have some accountability to others, otherwise it's like the end of the world is hurdling my way every second, every minute, that the world keeps humming. Anyways, I'm not sad, really, but sad wholly. The most cynical man I know told me not to give up hope, but just to forget about it. Forget about it, but keep it all the same. I can do that. I can forget and keep and hold true like nobody's business. love gg allin

All ways and ever more [18Oct11 // 1148pm ] It was such a pain when parting time came and the watery eyes met dry dirt and nothing ever was said, but words were minced and feelings were hurt and in the back of minds words were harbored like thicker-than-armor. Women use tears like a shield. Women use tears like something much more aggressive, like something like something like something like a spear or a sword or something. Can't you understand this? Can't you understand? Cannot you? Can you? And if you did, would it be more than for the moment? Look, they said. They said, Look, it's like this. This is like That. And That is like These. But! Then we'll go There where These things were Those things, and I don't promise but I say. But Then, we'll see Therefore and think Wherefore, so Then we'll be. And we'll just be... where comfort fades and leaves contentment. I've got a terrible, big, crazy heart and while all else may feel okay and great and I'm happy and happy and happy like more than most, I'm sad. I read a book and the theme was that pity for others led to the most damnable actions, actions that hurt the very ones you care most for. And the idea is that if you think you are looking out too much for others, you are inevitably only looking out for yourself and hurting others. There's no humor in this. I should stop thinking of being nice. I want, more than anything, to be nice. love gg allin

[15Oct11 // 0935pm ] [ mood | melancholy ] Look, it's all old anyways and that's the mindset that needs must prevail in any endeavor such as this. For a while, I looked with disdain upon the notion of "baring it all" for the world to see, and yet it's apparent that in the end, we're all strange creatures more obsessed with how we think we'll be perceived than realizing that we're actually not even noticed. It's the weird price you pay. A heavy price. More than anything, I think of old impulses sometimes, ideas of what life shall be like when it's rolling in and no sidestepping will do. One never knows, just accepts and shakes their head. One admires, yet pities. One says, "And so, things are good. I'm not hungover. I didn't fall in love. I didn't break a bone. I didn't make a soul mate. I didn't jump a fence drunkenly and hurt something. I didn't leave and wish I'd stayed. I didn't see the sun and feel the sun signify...anything." Yet, I did and I did and I did and that's the bulk of what wasn't done. I don't know. I never will know. At some point that sounded melodramatic, but now I'm just being honest. Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum. Benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus. Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen. love gg allin

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